When was the last time you had sex? If you can’t remember, chances are you’re married with children. But does that mean you have to go without? Read on for ways to bring back the bedroom bliss…
If you make it past eleven months with no sex whatsoever, you can declare yourself a born-again virgin!”
While sleepless nights are the norm for many new parents, it’s not always exhaustion that’s to blame for post-child celibacy. Many women are self-conscious about their post-baby bodies.
Remember when you used to tear each other’s clothes off. But with pregnancy weight still hanging on, many women don’t feel very sexy or attractive. And your boobs are so huge and swollen, the last thing you want is for your husband to touch you!”
Sometimes, one partner harbors resentment toward the other and withholds sex as punishment.
One Chicago mom says she hated that her husband went to work every day and left her home to handle their newborn.
“Even when he was home, much of the responsibility fell on me. I was furious and jealous,” she says. So she used the “Honey, I have a headache” excuse more than a few times to “get even.”
All this leads to the big question: Is anyone with kids getting any?
About 15%-20% of all marriages are “sexless,” according to a recent Newsweek study, meaning the couples have sex no more than 10 times a year. You read that correctly – that’s less than once a month! And those statistics continue to climb.
Mainly because most women are overworked, overcommitted and overextended financially. And stress is hardly an aphrodisiac.
So what can you do if you’ve lost the lust and want it back?
Make your marriage – and your sex life – a priority, not an afterthought, advises Rachel Blakeman, a Manhattan psychotherapist and managing editor of The Candidate, a psychoanalytical journal.
“Both partners need to make a commitment to bring the passion back into the relationship,” Blakeman says. “Couples should begin by communicating their sexual needs and openly discussing how they can be fulfilled.”
Part of that discussion must include a sex plan for where, when and how often. Then stick to it – even if you’re tired, unenthused or covered in baby food. Remember the movie 9½ Weeks? A little applesauce behind the ears can be sexy… go with it!
“If we want it, we have to seize the moment,” says Christina H. of New York City. “The second our daughter goes down for a nap, we jump on each other – in the kitchen, the living room, whatever. It’s a challenge – but exciting too.”
It isn’t impossible to get your mojo back, Blakeman says – even if it seems like ages since you last made love.
“You and your husband were a team before baby came along. And you can reclaim that intimacy with a little effort.”
Rev Up the Romance
Blakeman suggests taking these 7 simple steps to jump-start your sex life now.
1. Schedule “we” time. Get a Saturday-night sitter, and plan a regular date night. Or just watch a baseball game or movie at home together while drinking beer. It’s about quality – not quantity – and finding the time to be a couple without your little munchkins in the middle.
2. Make the first move. If your spouse isn’t in the mood, take the initiative. Don’t take it personally if he doesn’t take the bait. Just like you, he may simply be too exhausted or stressed. As the saying goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again… tomorrow.
3. Dress the part. Sleeping in a ratty T-shirt might be comfortable, but it’s not going to make your hubby hot for you. Break out the lacy lingerie or even just a fitted tank top. Better yet, go to bed in the buff.
4. Set the stage. Light candles. Give each other massages. A little ambience goes a long way.
5. Reconnect. Make eye contact, talk to each other (don’t just text or email), hold hands, and really listen to what your spouse has to say.
6. Relive the past. Go to your old haunts – the restaurant where you had your first date, the park bench where he popped the question. Flip through old photo albums from when you were first dating and reminisce about the romantic things you did together. It’s bound to stir up memories… and maybe something else too!
7. Get away, even for a day. Take a break from the everyday, even if it’s only for one or two nights. (Enlist family, friends or a sitter to watch the kids.) Alone time can do wonders for your relationship.
Is Your Love Life in a Lull?
Write down your answers to each question, then check your results at the end of the article.
1. The last time you had sex was:
A) Last night… and the night before… and the night before that.
B) Our anniversary… last year.
C) When the Olsen twins were still in diapers.
2. Your idea of a romantic evening is:
A) A candlelit dinner at a fancy French restaurant.
B) Hamburgers and "Seinfeld" reruns.
C) Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
3. Your hubby says, “Let’s do it!” You reply:
A) “Last one naked wears the French maid outfit!”
B) “OK, but after I help the kids with their homework.”
C) “Do what?”
4. The song title that best describes your sex life is:
A) “Dirrty!”
B) “What Have You Done for Me Lately?”
C) “Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It’s Off to Work I Go!”
5. Which adjective would your spouse use to describe you in bed?
A) Adventurous
B) Indifferent
C) Comatose
If you answered 3 or more A’s: You have a hot and happening sex life!
You prove that even frazzled moms can be sizzling spouses. Go, girl – you're our hero!
If you answered 3 or more B’s: You’re slowly sinking into a sexless existence!
But you're too tired to realize it. All your chores and activities as a mom are taking their toll on your love life. May we suggest a double espresso... and a game of strip poker?
If you answered 3 or more C’s: It’s time to put away the chastity belt!
You might be feeling loveless these days, but it's not hopeless. You just need to make more time to be together as a couple – not a couple of parents.
